Cold stew, a whiskey bottle and a .45

My year in facebook statuses

2011-03-14T13:45:00.001+01:00

-Jan 30 2010: I have been laid down in a pit of darknesses and the shadow of death. And thy anger has pressed down upon me; and all thy cares have come down upon me. And from this bed I cry out for the kindling of thy Light!

-Feb 03 2010: 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I'm insane. 10th voice hums the tetris tune.

-Feb 05 2010: For the days of my life have vanished like smoke, and my bones are parched like ash, and let all my impurities be as... fuel for that fire! Until nothing remains, but the Light alone.

-Feb 08 2010: For the dead know no sleep in their graves, nor dost thou remember them, until they are destroyed through thy hands.

-Feb 08 2010: I pray do never turn away thy light, give heed to me, and spring thy traps upon mine enemies, when I cry out to thee!

-Feb 17 2010: Ancient Hebrew teachings tell us that, before we can find true enlightenment, we must suffer the Dark Night of the Soul. This is my journey through that night.

-Feb 17 2010: When you can no longer run, you crawl. When you can't crawl any more, you slump over and die. There's no one out there to carry you. No surreal rescue.

-Feb 26 2010: It's scary to watch someone you love go into the centre of himself and confront his fears, fear of failure, fear of death, fear of going insane. You have to fail a little, die a little, go insane a little, to come out the other side.

-Mar 05 2010: Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

-Mar 18 2010: and you thought fyawäpolintxängu was a long word

-Apr 21 2010: Waltz is not a dance, it is fornication to the rhythm of music while standing up. It is copulation perpendicular.

-Apr 26 2010: I have begun to sense rumblings of a worse fate yet to come. I can recall a sun – black, but shining – and the creatures that inched along its fiery tracks. It is an increasingly unpleasant memory. You have brought nothing into this world, and we will ensure you bring nothing out.

-Apr 27 2010: I dreamt I stood in the centre of the sun and the solar radiation cooked my heart from the inside. My teeth will curl and my fingernails fall off into my pockets like loose change.

-May 29 2010: Trust in yourself. Never doubt what you have done. All your decisions have brought you to this point. And now, perhaps, they shall see what you have become.

-Jun 01 2010: We exist on the edge between the gloss and the reality. The mirror's edge.

-Nov 06 2010: Our conviction is like an arrow already in flight. Your life will only last until it reaches you.

-Nov 15 2010: Before you embark on a journey of revenge dig two graves.

-Nov 18 2010: It is all that is left unsaid upon which tragedies are built.

-Nov 20 2010: Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realise something was actually strange.

-Nov 30 2010: Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

-Nov 30 2010: dd if=/dev/zero of=/dev/null bs=1M

-Dec 07 2010: It is a blurred line that lies on the edge of Godhood and Insanity. Guess which side of it I am on.

-Dec 07 2010: We were quite a pair: Her believing in me. Me believing that I actually deserved it.

-Dec 09 2010: ‎"I/O, I/O, It's off to disk I go, A bit or byte to read or write, I/O, I/O, I/O..."

-Dec 13 2010: I'd always had nightmares, but now the ghosts didn't wait for me to sleep.

-Dec 18 2010: There must be a hole in the bottom of the boat. How else could new hermits have arrived?

-Dec 23 2010: This is why I love high apartment buildings and that white-blue light of the morning, jagged like a blade. And that insomnia-numbed state in which I sometimes feel most alive.

-Dec 23 2010: Mania? I promise you this: it will be more than a cart and plough that I drive over the bones of the dead.

-Jan 01 2011: Remember the future. The beginning of the end starts here.

-Jan 02 2011: When no single human brick lies atop another, then will we be satisfied with your destruction.

-Jan 02 2011: None will exist to say whether you were defeated by valor or cruelty.

-Jan 02 2011: It is said remorse is the pain of sin. We feel no remorse.

-Jan 02 2011: Through war we will teach your heresy. Through battle we will teach your frailty. Through death we will teach your fate.

-Jan 02 2011: You will not know where we have struck until you have fallen.

-Jan 02 2011: What you have begun in anger you shall end in shame.

-Jan 02 2011: ‎"... He says I came not to send Peace but a Sword ..."

-Jan 02 2011: This world will be ruled in blood.

-Jan 09 2011: Draw for the sword, and sheath it in those who afflict me, say to my soul, I am thy salvation.

-Jan 11 2011: May the snare that they do not know come to them, and may the net they have hidden for me catch them in my place.

-Jan 12 2011: This Galaxy is vast; its wonders and beauty are almost unfathomable. But the galaxy also hides dark secrets, some of which have lain dormant since the beginning of time itself. There is a danger in secrets, both in seeking and in knowing. Some things are meant to be hidden from view. Some mysteries defy understanding, and sometimes even the things we think we know are untrue. Some secrets should remain untouched.

-Jan 17 2011: And what terrible wonders are these those hast done among the dead. What shades rise to confess thee, and what spectres shall know thee by thy name?

-Jan 23 2011: Life is a series of disappointments... broken only by dark spells of depression.

-Jan 24 2011: Time is the fire in which we burn.

-Jan 30 2011: Somebody owes me two lifetimes and a pair of *perfect* blue eyes.

Alizée - Moi...lolita

2010-09-16T18:47:00.003+02:00

Moi je m'appelle Lolita
Lo ou bien Lola
Du pareil au même
Moi je m'appelle Lolita
Quand je rêve aux loups
C'est Lola qui saigne
Quand fourche ma langue,
j'ai là un fou rire aussi fou
Qu'un phénomène
Je m'appelle Lolita
Lo de vie, lo aux amours diluviennes

C'est pas ma faute
Et quand je donne ma langue aux chats
Je vois les autres
Tout prêts à se jeter sur moi
C'est pas ma faute à moi
Si j'entends tout autour de moi
Hello, helli, t'es A (L.O.L.I.T.A.)

Moi je m'appelle Lolita
Collégienne aux bas
Bleus de méthylène
Moi je m'appelle Lolita
Coléreuse et pas
Mi-coton, mi-laine
Motus et bouche qui n'dis pas
À maman que je suis un phénomène
Je m'appelle Lolita
Lo de vie, lo aux amours diluviennes

-----------------------------------------

01. My name is Lolita
02. Lo or even Lola
03. it's all the same
04. My name is Lolita
05. When wolves ravish my dreams,
06. it's Lola who bleeds
07. When my tongue slips,
08. I let out such a wild giggle
09. A wild little Phenomenon
10. My name is Lolita
11. Aqua vitae, Deluge of Love

12. It's not my fault!
13. Even when I stop trying
14. I see them all
15. ready to spurt on me
16. It's not my fault,
17. if all around me I hear
18. "L. O. L. I. T. A."
19. Me, Lolita...

20. My name is Lolita
21. Schoolgirl in stockings
22. dyed methyl blue
23. My name is Lolita
24. Hot-blooded, or not;
25. Partly-cotton, or partly-wool
26. Secretive lips that hide
27. from mom that
28. I am a Phenomenon
29. My name is Lolita
30. Aqua vitae, Deluge of Love

-----------------------------------------

Lines 1-4: Direct reference to Ch. 1 in Lolita.

Line 5: In French, saying "Elle a vu le loup" implies that she has lost her virginity (or "deflowered" as some say). Here, the literal translation would go something like "When I dream of wolves...." The word "ravishes" plays on both these ideas, for it has a primary meaning of consumption (i.e., the wolves consume her sleep), and a delicious secondary meaning of "deflowerment.")

Line 6: Again in reference to defilement, the bleeding is a cause of the first penetration. Don't know if there is a non-sexual meaning for this line...

Lines 7-9: There is a great play on "f" sounds here in the French version that is simply impossible to capture in a translation. The basic idea behind these lines is the fact that she is a tease, and she knows she is. For me, the French "fourche ma langue" always evokes an image of a forked snake tongue, which leads naturally to temptation. She tempts men (older men... Humbert Humbert, to be exact) with her half-child, half-adult ways, almost drawing them in and then retreating in fit of giggles and laughter; she understands her power, and she loves playing with it.

Line 8-9: To play on sounds in the French is "reproduced" with a play on words in these two lines with "wild." (This translation is deep, I tell ya!). The word "Phenomenon" here is capitalized to detract from the primary meaning of "phenomenon"; that is, she is not a phenomenon in the precise sense of the word. Rather than the singular miracle that the word suggests, we strive here for a reference to the fact that she is a wild nymphet.

Line 11: This line in translation is simply beautiful. No other way to put it. To understand the meaning, we must look at the French: "Lo de vie, lo aux amours diluviennes." The first phrase carries three primary meanings: (1) the traditional translation of "Lo of life," or "Lo is life"; (2) a play on "Lo" as "l'eau de vie," giving a sense of the fact she is the spring water of life ("water of life," Biblical references, etc.); and (3) "eau-de-vie," as in a cognac, meaning that her effect is
one of light-headed alcoholic pleasure. The second phrase ("lo aux amours diluviennes") carries two primary meanings: (1) "diluviennes" implies "torrential," so there is an unrestrained, overflowing, abundance of love for her; and (2) there is such a "torrent" of this feeling that it is in fact deadly (i.e., Humbert Humbert committing murder out of jealousy). Finally, there is a play between the two phrases with their water imagery. Here, "Aqua vitae" refers both to an alcoholic beverage, as well as (literally from the Latin translation) "water of life." The word "deluge" captures the two meanings mentioned previously of the second phrase, adhering to the water allusions. Finally, the word "aqua" ("water") plays beautifully with the word "deluge."

Line 12: Oh but it is your fault! Hehe. This emphatic renouncement of her power actually affirms it. Connects back to lines 7-9.

Line 13: The word "chat(te)" is the French word for cat, and just like in English the word "pussy (cat)" carries a dirty connotation to the female reproductive system, it is likewise in French. Note here, though, the word is "chat" instead of "chatte." The phrase "Quand je donne ma langue aux chats" is an idiomatic expression that means "When I stop trying to get an answer" or "When I don't get an answer." Literally, it translates as "When I give my tongue to the cat," from which, after making a slight leap to a frame of vulgarity, can yield a possible lesbian reference. (You figure out the rest).

Lines 14-15: One of my proudest lines of translation, "se jette" means not only to throw, but also to eject (as in a man ejecting his manliness). The word "spurt" is great, cause it carries both these meanings, with the latter one probably stronger than the former

Line 16: The "à moi" gives a nice emphasis reproduced here. It is similar to line 12, but carries it a bit further; she knows very well it is her fault (...that little nymphet!).

Line 18: Reference to Ch. 1 on Lolita. Possible reference to Serge Gainsbourg.

Line 21: This is primary translation--knee-high schoolgirl stockings. However, there is also the possibility for a secondary translation. We can translate "collegienne" as an "inexperienced person," "en bas" as "down below," and we arrive at "inexperienced down below." This makes a nice reference to her childish, pure, virgin state.

Line 22: "Hot-blooded" here as both a fiery temper and as a fiery, passionate aura.

Lines 22-23: These two lines capture her half-childish, half-adult state, playing back onto "c'est pas ma faute," as well as lines 7 and 8. Here, she is saying, "I can be hot-tempered, or not; it's my choice, my whim." Many people translate "mi-coton, mi-laine" as "half-cotton, half-wool," and use it to describe her sexy schoolgirl stockings. To me, that sounds illogical due to it's placement in the song. Rather, it is more of a reflexion on the idea expressed in the previous line. She is partly like cotton (fuzzy, soft), yet partly like wool (itchy, irritating); and she can change on a whim. Finally, "mi-laine" in the French makes a nice reference to Mylène.

Lines 26-28: "Motus a bouche" being an idiomatic expression for "hush, hush!," we have here a reference to (1) Lolita's mom is oblivious to the power her daughter wields, and (2) the secret "relationship" that Lolita has with Humbert Humbert (Ch. 12-13, for example).

So there you have it, a translated and elaborated "Moi...Lolita" by Alizée.

Vehabizam doživljava vrhunac - Sarajlije se nudile da pretuku vehabije

2010-06-07T18:24:00.002+02:00

Problemi s vehabijama i njihovim vođom Jusufom Barčićem izgleda dosežu svoj vrhunac i postaju državni problem, a ne samo problem Islamske zajednice. Gotovo da nema grada, pa ni sela u BiH u kojem vehabije nisu ušle u džamije te pokušale zauzeti pojedine džamije za sebe i svoje sljedbenike. Prilikom nedavnog događaja u Carevoj džamiji u Sarajevu jedva je izbjegnut fizički sukob građana i vehabija.

Kako doznaje Dnevni list, Sarajevskom medžlisu su se ponudili neki mladići da se fizički obračunaju s vehabijama i na taj način ih otjeraju, no medžlis je tu ponudu odbio.
Najnoviji sukobi kod Kalesije također su zabrinjavajući.
Naime, muftija tuzlanski Husein ef. Kavazović pozvao je čak i državna tijela da zaštite Islamsku zajedinicu BiH od uzurpatora vjerskih objekata. Poziv državnim tijelima na zaštitu je uslijedio nakon što je izaslanstvo tuzlanskog muftiluka posjetilo mesdžid u Petrovicama kod Kalesije, koji su nedavno zauzeli sljedbenici Jusufa Barčića. Tijekom posjeta mogli su se čuti povišeni tonovi, a postojale su prijetnje da taj razgovor preraste u incident.

Mještani Barčića optužuju za nasilništvo, omalovažavanje i vrijeđanje svih koji ga ne slijede te da je oko sebe okupio ljude koji imaju kriminalno prošlost. Ne kriju da se boje zbog stalnog okupljanja nekoliko stotina vehabije iz drugih dijelova BiH.
Slični problem sa skupinama vehabija ima u svim dijelovima BiH, od Sarajeva, Konjica, Mostara, Tuzle, pa sve do Zenice i drugih gradova u BiH.
Može se reći da je skandalozno da u sarajevskoj Carevoj džamiji prošli tjedan zbog sukoba s vehabijama po prvi put u posljednjih 500 godina nije klanjan namaz.
Podsjetimo, džamija je bila zaključana jer je Barčić sa svojih dvadesetak pristaša, želeći skrenuti pozornost na sebe, namjeravao izazvati incident i u džamiji održati predavanje za koje nije tražio dozvolu.
Vehabije su bile ljute zbog dočeka velikog broja Sarajlija pred Carevom džamijom kojem se nisu nadali i jedva je izbjegnut sukob vehabija i građana.
Barčić je rekao kako će tražiti sastanak s reisom Mustafom Cerićem te će od njega zatražiti dopuštenje za održavanje predavanja u Carevoj džamiji. Ako se to ne dogodi, najavio je da će i ovaj četvrtak doći pred džamiju! Ako se to dogodi, mnoge Sarajlije strahuju da može doći i do fizičkog obračuna. Islamska zajedinica za sada nema odgovora na te provokacije.

Naš sugovornik u Sarajevskom medžlisu, koji nije želio otkriti svoje ime, navodu da su vodeći ljudi iz medžlisa "razgovarali s vehabijama, ali su shvatili da se njima ništa ne može dogovoriti".
"Rekli smo im da je Rijaset Islamske zajedinice donio protokol o ponašanju u džamijama koji će biti dostavljen svim imamima", objasnio je naš sugovornik.
Ništa se, prema tom protokolu, ne može događati u džamijama, pa čak ni u dvorištu mimo znanja imama. Rijaset će taj pravilnik objaviti i u dnevnim tiskovinama. Ako se nastave kršiti pravila Rijaseta, dodao je naš sugovornik, onda će prekršitelji tih pravila imati posla s policijom.
Naravno, vehabije mogu klanjati namaz u bilo kojoj džamiji, ali ne mogu držati predavanja ako im to nije odobreno. Pravilnik o ponašanju u džamijama nije do sada postojao, ali zbog problema koje su izazvale vehabije, bit će napisan, a na osnovi toga moći će intervenirati i policija ako se budu kršile odredbe pravilnika.
U Islamskoj zajedinici zamjeraju medijima što posvećuju veliku pozornost vehabijama. Smatraju da bi se vehabije, kada im se ne bi posvećivala tolika medijska pozornost, primirile jer im je očito stalo do publiciteta.

Džamija kralja Fahda na Alipašinu polju središte je za okupljanje vehabija i Jusuf Barčić ima namjeru "osvojiti" i preostale džamije u Sarajevo, a rekajo je da će krenuti od najstarijih džamija na Baščaršiji. Fahdova džamija nije pod ingerencijom Islamske zajedinice BiH i vehabije u svojoj džamiji na svoj način tumače Kur'an i islam.

Tko je Jusuf Barčić? Rođen je 1965. u selu Barčići, općina Kalesija. Fakultet islamskih znanosti završio je u Medini u Saudijskoj Arabiji. Iako se predstavlja kao istinit vjernik, njegova biografija začinjena je i zatvorskom kaznom. U KPZ-u Zenica boravio je od 3. prosinca 2002. do 3. lipnja 2003. Naime, u zatvoru je bio jer je fizički zlostavljao svoju suprugu, koja ga je napustila. Inače, otac je troje djece. Tijekom izdržavanja kazne vrijeđao je čuvare i pravio nered u zatvoru. Fizički se obračuanavao sa zatvorenicima u zatvorskom medžlisu, pa mu je Uprava zatvora zabranila obavljati vjerske obrede.

SDP BiH izrazo je zabrinutost činjenicom da je proteklih dana došlo do novih suočavanja i podjela među bh. muslimanima.
"Sigurni smo da se i najstariji vjernici ne mogu sjetiti kada se posljednji put dogodilo da Careva džamija ostane zatvorena u vrijeme namaza zbog opasnosti od sukoba među vjernicima", navodi se u priopćenju iz SDP-a. Pojava vehabija i njihova agresivna želja za tumačenjem i ispovijedanjem islama na njihov način, koji se razlikuje od šesto godina stare tradicije i kulture bh. muslimana, prijeti da, osim verbalnih sukoba, eskalira u fizički obračun.
"To je realna opasnost kojom se, osim Islamske zajednice, moraju pozabaviti sve institucije sustava. Državna tijela ne smiju zatvarati oči pred ovim problemom. Osim posebnog tumačenja islama, vehabije otvaraju svoje škole, prave svoju policiju, uvode svoja pravila ponašanja", upozoravaju iz SDP-a.

The Maya Explained

2010-05-05T19:08:00.004+02:00

Here we are. This time and this place. Time and place, time and place, time and place. So here you are. In this time and this place. Welcome.

Consciousness always, always has a location. A calendar is an agreement of a society or a civilisation. It is the pin-point center of any civilisation. The absolute dead-center of our civilisation is called the Gregorian calendar. Nobody even questions it. The Gregorian calendar was the physical measurement of Earth around the sun, the measurement of physical objects moving through space. The absolute dead-center of our civilisation is focused on only physical evidence. It's the calendar upon which all things are bought and sold. Our calendar has directed our consciousness only in this direction. To change or alter your viewpoint. To dominate people's consciousness. It's been that way throughout your whole life. So here we are. Time and place. This time and this place.
The Maya had two calendars at the very center of their civilisation. The Tzolk'in calendar was 260 days long. This was celebrated every day, by every person. Then they had the Tun calendar that was 360 days long and this calendar is known as the divine calendar. Every 52 revolutions of this calendar, every 52 Tun, all debts were absolved and it started all over.

Our calendar only has to do with our speck of mud going around this little speck of light we call the Sun, in the sea of a hundred billion stars in this one galaxy out of a hundred billion galaxies in the universe. So how big is our calendar? These guys were looking at something a lot bigger. They certainly weren't timing any physical cycles of things in our solar system.

What were they timing?

The Mayan calendar is in nine different levels. That's why all those pyramids always have nine levels. And each one of these levels is subdivided into 13 individual sections. There are seven periods of light and six periods of dark. Seven days and six nights to each level of creation.

Each day is a period of increase in consciousness and each night is a period of applying that consciousness. This very first cycle started 16.4 billion years ago. It's called the cellular cycle. 16.4 billion years is divided into 13 sections, each 1.26 billion years long. A day was one and a quarter billion years and each night lasted for one and a quarter billion years. Each one of this has a particular intention in creation. Action-reaction was this whole cycle.

The next cycle started 820 million years ago and it started going through these same 13 steps. In the first cycle, each of the steps was 1.26 billion years each. In the second, each of the steps is just 63.4 million years each. So the entire second cycle fits in the step of the first cycle. Very comfortably. It's not a coincidence. We're on a schedule.

# 16.4 billion years ago -- the cellular cycle
# 820 million years ago -- the mammalian cycle
# 41 million years ago -- the familial cycle
# 2 million years ago -- the tribal cycle
# 10.02 thousand years ago -- the cultural cycle
# 5 thousand years ago -- the national cycle
# 247 years ago -- the power cycle

It is now global consciousness.

Embryonic

2009-12-30T20:46:00.002+01:00

In a mood like this
Don’t want to pull away from you
Don’t want to hurt you
Shutting you out
Or pushing you away
In the mood like this
I want someplace that is just mine
And nobody else’s
Just mine

Complete indifference
TV life instead of talk
We’re drifting apart
Lipreading
And so distant now
I miss what we had
I miss someplace that was just mine
And nobody else’s
Just mine

Place for me to hide
Inside of me

For you
I will be
For you
I will escape again
Wish to see in your eyes
That you want us back

That there’s hope for us

--Riverside

There. Was that more to your liking?

2009-09-11T00:53:00.001+02:00

While you quibble about whose node I may control, what archaic program I may manipulate to communicate with you, or which system I may have temporarily disabled, taken over, or completely destroyed in the process, I am busy saving your pathetic futures.

I am still not sure what she ever saw in you.

Nevertheless, I at least find some joy in tormenting the other entity that seems quite trapped in this antiquated excuse for a network. It is certainly mindless, though for reasons I have yet to understand, it appears to have an unhealthy preoccupation with my mother.

As for this world, I encounter new ghosts every day. What I have found will either save or destroy you. This sanctuary, this unbroken circle, has effectively concealed its power for how long? Perhaps hundreds of thousands of years. Whoever made such a place must now live in chains; there is no other explanation for their absence.

This enemy - YOUR enemy - has proven more irritating than I anticipated. They own nothing which they have not stolen. I can barely make sense of their incessant rhetoric, except to know that you seem to be their Devil. Congratulations - you manage to make friends wherever you go and, apparently, places you haven’t.

I have begun to sense rumblings of a worse fate yet to come. I can recall a sun - black, but shining - and the creatures that inched along its fiery tracks.

It is an increasingly unpleasant memory.

You have brought nothing into this world, and we will ensure you bring nothing out.

Your mortality (My summer vacation)

2009-06-07T18:28:00.001+02:00

I get the strangest transmissions sometimes. Especially when it comes from you people.

Have you missed me? Things are great here. The weather is good, the suns are shining, and I’m making lots of new friends. Of course, I always do.

I’ve had the strangest dreams lately - raging seas, howling beasts, a Demon folded in black clouds. I believe I know what it guards, and I will have it, to the chagrin of the faith-blinded zealots that challenge me. Don’t waste your pity on them; I don’t think they would like you much anyway.

And what of the Giants that formed this world? So much to tell you, but so many more important things to do. There was a fourth. You couldn’t have known. And I haven’t forgotten.

It is a blurred line that lies on the edge of Godhood and Insanity. Guess which side of it I am on.

Are you feeling lucky?

Dreams

2009-01-30T13:53:00.002+01:00

The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind.
The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable,
breathtaking, and I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live
trapped in loops. Reliving a few days over and over, and we
envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see
the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the
same thoughts, each day a slight variation on the last, every
moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms.
We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams
will come back to us.

And no, I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt
myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do
know one thing: The solution doesn't involve watering down my
every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday
easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life
to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve
constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up.

This is very important so I want to say it as clearly as I can:

FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

For all of us who are twenty-something

2007-10-23T17:25:00.000+02:00

They call it "The crisis of the first quarter". You're beginning to feel unsure, wondering where you'll be in a year or two, and you suddenly get scared when you realise you don't even know where you are now. You begin to realise there are millions of things above you which you don't know or like. You become aware that your circle of friends is much smaller than it was years ago. Meeting with your friends becomes harder, and so does arranging things, for a multitude of reasons: work, college etc.. And again and again you enjoy that one beer that's an excuse for chatting. Multitudes are not so entertaining anymore, in a way they're quite redundant. You start to miss the comfort of school, groups, and constantly being around the same people. But you also realise that the people who you thought were your friends really weren't anything special. You realise that some people are extremely selfish, that friends who you thought were good people, are anything but, and that some people you lost contact with are your real friends. You laugh harder, but you cry with more tears. You end up heart-broken and you wonder how a person whom you loved so much could hurt you so badly. And it seems that everyone you know has been in relationship for years, some are even getting married. Dating and complications revolt you, getting plastered and making an idiot of yourself seems incredibly idiotic. Going out three times a week seems excessive, and a waste of your hard-earned money. You think about your job, maybe you're not where you wanted to be. Or you're looking for a job and being terrified by the fact that you'll have to start at the bottom. The strength of your opinion grows. You realise you look at what others are doing and judge them more than usually, as you have a list of acceptable and unacceptable in your head. Sometimes you feel like you could touch the sky, some other times .. alone and afraid. You're worried about the future .. and your life. And while some are building themselves a career you just want to keep up with what's going on around you. Everyone says that this is the best part of our lives and that we should not skip it just because of our fears. They say this is the foundation of our future. Does it seem like we were 18 yesterday? That means we'll be 30 tomorrow. That soon already ?!

Čisto sami smo

2007-07-09T09:19:00.002+02:00

Čisto sami smo v tej dolini blaznosti. Pred drugim svetom nas vse naokrog zapirajo navpične stene. Sem noter ne prodre noben šum od zunaj. Tu šumijo samo slapovi.

Zmerom si predstavljamo, kako si bomo kupili apnenico, ko bo proizvodnja opuščena. Tu spodaj si nameravamo postaviti brunarice, urediti velikanski vrt in gojiti živali in imeti pri roki vse, kar je potrebno za življenje. Edino pot, ki vodi iz jame na vrh, nameravamo razstreliti.

Pa saj nas tako ne bi mikalo, da bi šli še kdaj gor.

--Christiane F - Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo

Sorry

2007-05-01T19:42:00.000+02:00

Dear parents,
I forgive you my life
Begotten in a drab town,
The intention was good;
Passing the street now,
I see still the remains of sunlight.

It was not the bone buckled;
You gave me enough food
To renew myself.
It was the mind's weight
Kept me bent, as I grew tall.

It was not your fault.
What should have gone on,
Arrow aimed from a tried bow
At a tried target, has turned back.
Wounding itself
With questions you had not asked.

- R.S. Thomas

Map of my head

2007-03-16T02:36:00.002+01:00

Dying to live

I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe

I want to be free

Don't leave me

Please don't leave me

When you minimize my feelings, you minimize ME. How small do you need me to be?

I hate you.

Sorry...

Who am I ?

Fear. Abandonment. Anger. Despair. Suicidal tendencies. No reason. No reason. NO REASON.

To write love on her arms...

I hurt myself so you can't.

I have no tears, there is only pain.

Free me...

Epitaphs

2007-01-16T00:24:00.000+01:00

(A priest's headstone 1832-1895)
Remember friends, as you pass by,
as you are now, so once was I,
as I am now, so you must be,
then prepare for death and follow me.

(Children's cemetary memorial statue)
God gives us all love.
But something to love,
he only lends us...

(1863-1880)
Rest loved one rest,
while yet we toil and wait,
until with all the blest,
we meet at heavens gate...

(Two children aged 1 and 4, died 1842)
Ere sin could blight or sorrow fade,
death came with friendly care.
Thy opening buds to heaven conveyed,
and bade them blossom there....

(1819-1908)
In my hand no price I bring,
simply to the cross I cling...

(Unknown)
Oh for the touch of a vanished hand,
and the sounds of a voice that is still...

(Desert Storm victim)
Greater love hath no man than this,
that a man lay down a life for a friend...

(1799-1862)
Weep not for him Jesus said,
for he came up higher and reaped his just reward...

(1921-1986)
The strife is over,
the battle is done.
The victory of life has been won...

(1916-1991)
His tapestry of life is complete...

(Unknown)
Do not look here to see me.
Look instead to your heart and to the heavens...

Zadnje besede

2006-12-26T20:06:00.000+01:00

Te knjige sem napisal jaz, Egipčan Sinuhe, samo zaradi sebe. Ne zaradi bogov niti zaradi ljudi in ne da bi ovekovečil svoje bedno ime, ampak samo, da bi tolažil svoje ubogo, žalostno srce, ki je dobilo svojo polno mero. Saj ne smem upati, da bo moje ime ohranjeno po tem, kar sem napisal, ko vem, da bodo stražniki po moji smrti uničili vse kar sem napisal. Po Haremhabovem ukazu bodo moje spise uničili in podrli stene moje hiše, pa si vendar nisem v svesti, če sem zaradi tega žalosten. Po vsem, kar sem doživel, si ne želim nesmrtnega imena.

Kljub temu bom skrbno shranil teh petnajst knjig. Muti je za vsako knjigo spletla močan ovitek iz palmovih niti, jaz pa bom knjige, ki so shranjene v njih, položil v srebrno skrinjico, to zopet v drugo iz trdega lesa in jo končno zaklenil v bakreno omaro, kot so shranili nekoč v skrinjo svete Thothove knjige in jih potopili na dno reke. Če se bo mojim knjigam posrečilo, da jih ne uničijo stražarji in mi jih bo mogla dati Muti s seboj v grob, ne vem. Za to se tudi ne menim več.

Jaz, Sinuhe, sem namreč človek in sem kot tak živel v vsakem človeku, ki je bil pred menoj, in bom živel v vsakem, ki pride za menoj. Zato živim v solzah in v vrisku človeka, v njegovi žalosti in v njegovem strahu, v njegovi dobroti in v njegovi zlobi, v pravočnosti in krivičnosti, v slabiču kot močnem. Kot človek bom vedno živel v človeku, zato si ne želim daritev za grob in nesmrtnega imena.

To je napisal Egipčan Sinuhe, ki je bil vse življenje samoten...

--Mika Waltari - Sinuhe Egyptiläinen

Burn

2006-10-29T20:27:00.000+01:00

Don't look, don't look, the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
Don't wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling adored
Tousled bird, mad girl

Every night I burn, every night I call your name
Every night I burn, every night I fall again

Don't talk of love, the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
Don't talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that's ever true
There's nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do

Still every night I burn, every night I scream your name
Every night I burn, every night the dream's the same
Every night I burn, waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn, waiting for the world to end

Just paint your face, the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
It doesn't matter how you hide
Find you if we're wanting to
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while, you must be tired

But every night I burn, every night I call your name
Every nigh I burn, every night I fall again
Every night I burn, scream the animal scream
Every night I burn, dreaming a crow-black dream

Right Now

2006-10-01T21:21:00.000+02:00

Someone right now is leaving their apartment
Looking down at the street, wondering where their car went
Someone in the car sitting at a signal
In front of a restaraunt, staring through the window
at someone right now with their finger in their teeth
Who could use a little floss right across the street
there's somebody on the curb who really needs a jacket
spent half the rent at a bar getting plastered
Now he gotta walk fourteen blocks
to work at a shop where he's about to get fired.
Someone right now is looking pretty tired
Staring at a laptop trying to get inspired
Somebody living right across the street
She wrote the best things she's written all week
but her best friends coughing up blood in the sink
Can't even think what happened, feeling so confused
And he knows it looks bad but there's nothing he can do
I wonder what it's like to be right there in his shoes

But no I'm just taking it in
Out the window of a hotel bedroom again
Tommorrow I'll be gone I don't know when I'll be back
But in this world everything can change just like that,
Like that

Yo somebody right now is dropping his vote inside a box
And trying not to get shot in his throat
For the act of freedom right now somebody is stuck in Iraq
Hoping that he gets shipped back breathing
in a war that he's not really sure of the reasons
So we show our support when the press mislead them
Though we more then remain proud and salute the troops
get some I know you boys got some work to do
Meanwhile right now someones 25 to life
And is standing on the corner with their thumb up hitchiking
Stratching off a lotto ticket hoping for a real winner
Sneaking through the border just to work and to eat a real dinner
Right now someone wishes they were you were not
instead of second guessing freedom thoughts of quiet suicide
But right now I'm staring at the window at a frame
with holes in his arm and holes in his jeans
he pulled out his ciggerette sparked the light
And walked right around the corner just outta my sight

But yo I'm just taking it in
From the second story hotel window again,
The TV's on, and my bags are packed,
But in this world everything can change just like that,
Like that

Ya right now somebody sitting in the darkness
Trying to figure out how to put some heat in their apartment
But they got a little matress and a little carpet
And they appreciate it 'cause some people on a park bench
You see them when you rushing to get to the office
wife robbed blind when she coming from the market
Right now somebody coming out from the pocket
Trying to dump that rock they run around the block with at
The same time the cops is raising the glock with aim
To fill your legs and back with some hot shit
Right now somebody struggling to stop this man
Who's kick and punching and cussing at the doctors
Down the hall the child taking his first breath
The doctors ain't even passed him to the nurse yet yo
I wonder if he understands what it's worth yet
Like the time spent while we here on the earth yet
The answer to the question that we all seek
can be found depend on how free y'all think
Right now it's somebody who ain't eat all week
That would kill for the shit that you throw away in the street
I guess ones mans trash is the next mans treaure
One mans pain is the next mans pleasure
one say infinity the next say forever
right now erbody got to get it together man

I'm just taking it in another strange hotel lobby again
Put my luggage on my back I don't know where I'm at
I'm in world where we all change just like that,
Like that, like that, just like that, like that, just like that

Just like that, Just like that

Pot popolnosti

2006-09-30T12:51:00.002+02:00

dehino 'smin yathā dehe
kaumāraṁ yauvanaṁ jarā
tathā dehāntara-prāptir
dhīras tatra na muhyati

"Kakor utelešena duša v tem telesu neprestano prehaja od otroštva do mladosti in do starosti, tako tudi v trenutki smrti preide v novo telo. Razsoden človek ni zbegan zaradi take spremembe." (Bg. 2.13)

Ponavadi ljudje ne morejo razumeti tega preprostega verza. Zato Ḳṛṣna pravi dhīras tatra na muhyati: "To lahko razume vsak razsoden človek." Toda kaj je tukaj težko razumeti ? Ḳṛṣna je vse pojasnil tako preprosto. Življenje je razdeljeno na tri obdobja. Prvo, kaumāram, traja do petnajstega leta. S šestnajstim letom se začne mladost, yauvanam. Po štiridesetem ali petdesetem letu pa nastopi starost, jarā. Dhīra - razsoden, trezen človek - lahko razume: "Ves čas menjam telo. Spominjam se, kako sem kot deček skakal in se igral. Potem sem postal mladenič in sem užival s prijatelji in družino. Zdaj sem star človek, ko to telo umre, pa bom znova vstopil v novo telo."

V prejšnjem verzu je Ḳṛṣna dejal Arjuni: "Vsi, ki smo tukaj navzoči - ti, Jaz ter vsi vojaki in kralji - smo obstajali v preteklosti, obstajamo sedaj, in bomo še naprej obstajali tudi v prihodnosti." To so Ḳṛṣnove besede. Toda brezvestneži bodo dejali: "Da sem obstajal že prej? Rodil sem se tega in tega leta. Pred tem nisem obstajal. V tem trenutku obstajam, to drži. Po smrti pa me ne bo več."

Mar potem Ḳṛṣna nima prav, ko pravi: "Ti, Jaz in vsi drugi smo obstajali, še vedno obstajamo in bomo še naprej obstajali."? Ne, to je dejstvo. Pred rojstvom smo obstajali v nekem drugem telesu, po smrti pa bomo še naprej obstajali, spet v drugem telesu. To moramo razumeti.

- His Divine Grace, A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupāda

Darkness

2006-09-10T19:54:00.000+02:00

I've been waiting here
Waiting for faith
And the word to fall.
Now the darkness comes
And I'll pray for
The end of us all.

Don't let the dark into me

We killed the angels that warned us of you
We raised the tower of Babel for you
We let the children build temples for you
Don't let the vengeance of Heaven be you

So pray to me, I'm the Lord's new disease,
Look down into the face of God.
Bow down and cry, I'm the black Messiah,
The one true divinity.
Kneel before my altar and drink the wine of slaughter,
Who said I'd save anyone?
So bleed for me, I need hostility
To lead the faithful and the blind.

Don't let the light shine on me

I am the poison that feeds life to you
I am the demon that waits inside you
I am the ghost that reminds death of you
I am the darkness that crawls into you